I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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