You can't special order awesome
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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