I faked an abortion last night.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
