i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
