I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
