I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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