you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
