she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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