After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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