shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
