I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
