He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
