So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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