Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I forget how to act sober
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