I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
