i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
