The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
