One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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