hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
