is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
high people should be assigned attendants
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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