The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
