And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
this just has baby written all over it
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
