Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
