When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
