Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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