what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
