I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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