Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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