If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
In America we eat man semen.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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