If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
