dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
