Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
