Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
