I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
