You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
