I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
