I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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