I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
please don't ironically join a cult
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