even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
