i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
