So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
