Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
