I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
