Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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