Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I would fuck him just for his dog
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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