I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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