Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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