never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
