Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Soap is not a condiment
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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