Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
