I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
